Not So Sweet Surrender
by wsm021
Summary: He knew somehow Rachel would be a part of Shelby's life, a part of his daughter's, a part of his. She should be thinking about Finn and their nearing demise but right now all she can think about is the fact that Noah Puckerman will be always be there.
1. The Beginning

**Disclaimer: Though I wish at 11:11 every day and night, I still don't own Glee =(**

**Authors Note: First and foremost; as always beth's name is Sophia (sophie, soph), that's just the general rule for my fanfics that will never change haha. Second from the looks of it now this will be longer than my other stories… or at least I will try and make that the case. It will be angst reddening because that's what I'm feeling right now and I'm hoping writing this will help me in my current romantic situations. Puckleberry happy ending is as always a guarantee. And Remember reviews are love. **

When she'd made the decision to go to Shelby's apartment it was in the hopes of talking to her about relationships. Despite what it may look like on the outside, she and Finn weren't perfect and her fathers for all their wisdom and good intentions, were after all still men. So she'd gone to the only real female figure in her life and had somehow still ended up with a man, or a boy, depending on the day of the week. Before she can question why exactly Noah Puckerman is answering her mot… Shelby's door, she hears an eardrum splitting wail come from inside. His face drops almost instantly and he leaves her standing there in the open doorway to tend to the infant who apparently does not take well to being ignored. Like mother like daughter it would seem. Not left with any options Rachel walks in, closing the door behind her. The sight before her causes her world to spin. For a moment, just a moment, she thinks for the first time in her entire life that she may have made the wrong decision that fateful day on the bleachers.

He can feel her behind him burning holes into the back of his head. He's sure her mouth is hanging open and she's more than a little tempted to take of picture of the sight before her. If anyone had told him a year or even a month ago that he would be holding a stuffed purple elephant, speaking in a voice higher than Kurt's and doing a jig, he would have kicked their ass, hands down and he knows it. Things change though, because that's exactly what he's doing and he couldn't care less what anyone thought about it, not even Rachel Berry. There were few things that Puck was good at in this world, well no, there were a lot of things Puck was good at but few he was proud of. Being able to make his daughter happy was something he was extremely proud of, and if he had to make himself look like a complete fool that was fine, because two seconds ago Sophia was bawling her eyes out as though someone were attacking her and now she was clapping her hands and giggling in her highchair.

Shelby walks in not five minutes later with a bag of groceries in her hand and wonders aloud if Noah had needed to call in reinforcements to help babysit their daughter. She completely ignores the feeling of possession and betrayal she feels realizing that she is no longer the only person to call him Noah. Instead she focuses on the words "_their_ daughter" and begins to wonder what exactly the nature of Noah's relationship with her bio mom was. She has a few seconds to watch them interact with each other before Shelby focuses on the child she abandoned instead of the child she adopted. They don't seem to be intimate or couple-ly but they are definitely co-parenting. It's interesting, and she would love to know more but she really does need to discuss Finn, so she starts talking about the nature of her visit and waits for Shelby to tell her that it's too personal, that they aren't like that and she doesn't want to lead Rachel to think their relationship is different than it is. She waits and is both relieved and anxious when instead of that Shelby tells her that all the best girl talk happens over a cup of cocoa and starts the kettle.

He excuses himself into the playroom because as much as being with two gorgeous women appeals to him, he draws the line at girl talk. Looking around the room, as always, makes him really glad he gave Sophia up for adoption. Had he not, she wouldn't have her own room, much less a separate room just to play in. Had he kept the baby, against Quinn's wishes he'd be doing this all alone. And yeah, Quinn said she wanted to be a mother now but who knows how she would have felt if he'd had Soph all along, in her face. His daughter has a good life, and a good mother, and he did that, he gave her that. He was a good father, and she would always know that if he played his cards right. Things had been tense at first, especially after the kiss that should have never happened but Shelby had put a quick stop to that, and his mom had given him some much needed perceptive. It wasn't that he wasn't attracted to Shelby because of course he is, she was plenty attractive. But it was watching her with Sophia that made him feel like he loved her, which he did, just not that way. The same thing had happened with Quinn when she was pregnant. There is something about watching the mother of his child, taking care of and loving her that made him feel in love. Shelby was special to him because she cared for the one thing that meant the most to him. For an 18 year old male that was a lot to handle and was easy to get confused but they were past that now. He was proving that he could be a father and she was letting him be one as long as he proved to be capable.

It surprises Rachel that Noah so willing leaves the room, she doesn't know why she expected him to stay exactly but she didn't think he would pass up the opportunity to hear that Finn Hudson's life wasn't perfect after all. It also surprises Rachel how at home he seems to be. What surprises her most though; is how much it bothers her. She files it away as jealously, because he clearly has a better relationship with Shelby than she does but she knows that isn't it because jealously doesn't have your hands itching to refresh your memory of skin on skin contact. She takes a moment to collect herself, sips her cocoa and refocuses on the nature of her visit. She looks Shelby straight in the eye and knows somehow that their relationship is about to change. If Rachel can open up to this woman, again, and really let her emotions go and be on the receiving end of support, well… that could change everything. It would change everything.

"I'm going to New York," she says with passion and purpose and overwhelming determination. There is no doubt in her mind that she, Rachel Berry is going to New York. "I'm going to New York, and he isn't. He hasn't, no he won't, even consider it. But to be fair I refuse to consider not going so I guess it's okay. But it's not because I have reasons, I have dreams. He's staying because he doesn't know anything else. Ohio is all he knows, all he wants to know. He hasn't asked me to stay, he won't, I know that but I want him to. But I don't, because the answer is no, and then we'll be done. Or not." She takes another sip of cocoa and expects Shelby to start talking but she doesn't, the woman across from her only nods her head. "It ends in a few months. We end in a few months and we know it, why are we still together? I don't know. I knew before but I don't anymore. We have an expiration date, what is the point of continuing when we have an expiration date. He won't leave me, he has before but he won't again and I want him to because this is crazy. What we're doing is crazy and it will break my heart, it may break me. And I can't think of one reason why I should stay, with him, not in Ohio. I used to say it was because I love him, and I do, I really do love him. But maybe it's not enough. Why should I wait to break my heart until I move to New York? Why am I waiting?" She slides her cocoa away from her, she's exhausted. She had held it all inside for so long and now it was out in the open, it was finally real and she's exhausted.

Shelby looks at Rachel, the beautiful, talented and most charming person she had ever met. Rachel, the child that she had helped create, the child that she had natured that had grown inside of her, that child was on the verge of falling apart and Shelby feels her heart break. She doesn't have the answer, no one does because the heart is not white and black, it's all grey and no one has the answer to grey areas. So she takes her hand, looks her in the eye and supports her in a way she never has. Sophia has taught her so much about herself and so much about being a mom that she know exactly what she needs to do and she is ready, truly ready. Rachel has grown up, she doesn't need her in the same way Sophie does but Shelby realizes now that Rachel will always need her, in the same way that she will always need Michal and Daniel because children never grow out of needing a safe place to run to. "You're doing the best you can in a very hard, very real situation. You love him, and that in itself means that you have a desire to be with him but you're right, it will end. It will end because what you want and what he wants are not the same thing. So there is really only one thing that matters, do you want to spend the time you have left with him or do you want to spend it getting over him?"

Rachel looks down at their joined hands, her skin just slightly more olive than her mothers, her hair slightly lighter and yet she sees herself in this woman. Or better yet she sees the person she can be, the person that New York would help her be. Rachel pictures her life, five years from now fresh out of college and at every audition taking every class really living her dream. Not once does she see Finn, not once does she long for him to be by her side. Finn has his place in her life and his place is here in lima, in her past. But that past doesn't begin until she steps off the plane six months. So how did she want to spend the rest of her time in Lima? She looks up at Shelby and for the first time feels safe. She doesn't feel like she needs to watch her words or reign in her emotions or side step past all of the things she can't say. She feels like she can say anything, so she lays herself bare. "I don't know." And she didn't. A part of her already felt as though her relationship was over, and there was nothing to get over. The other part felt like she was deeply in denial and on the verge of losing everything.

"Would it hurt then to do nothing at all? If you don't know what you want to do, would it do any harm to continue doing what you already are?" Shelby almost takes the words back, sees Rachel's eyes widen in shock and fears she has blown it in a major way. Before she can say anything else Rachel is up out of her chair and around the table pulling her into a hug. She doesn't know what she did right but she is glad for it as she slides her hand around her daughter and returns the embrace. She knew somehow that things had changed, she was ready, Rachel seemed ready, _they_ would be different now.

"I think, maybe you're right. Finn and I both now how this will end, there isn't really anything to lose but I think, I feel like we deserve more than that. I just don't think we want it. If that makes sense." She backs out of the hug and sits back down, takes a sip of the cocoa she had abandoned early feeling less tired, less weighed down. She knows that love is capable of being so much more than what she had, but she wasn't ready for more. Right now she thinks Finn is exactly what she can handle, New York will be more but right now she has, she wants this. Shelby nods, looks as if she understand and then surprises her with a laugh, a real genuine laugh and it sounds a lot like hers.

"It makes sense, you don't always want what you know you deserve right when you know you deserve it. Sometimes you have to wait it out until you're ready for the really good stuff." Being Rachel's mother was one of those really good things Shelby had waited for so she knew that she was talking about. She gets up to give her some space, time to digest her words and their meaning. She begins to prepare dinner and Rachel, without her asking starts to help.

They dance around each other in a way that is comfortable and oddly familiar. Puck decides it's cute as he stands in the door way watching them. They are so alike it scares him, and it's more than just how they look or how they sing. He knows for a fact that they both bake to relax, that they both love yoga and that they both scrunch up their noses when they have something to say but are trying really hard not to say it. There are things about Rachel he knows she got from Shelby, things he'd know about her before she had known about her mom, it was pretty weird. It makes him think about all the things Sophia will have that will be all him, or all Quinn. She already has his smirk, she's barely a year old and she smirks just like him. And one day, it'll be them in the kitchen dancing around each other making dinner. Or maybe she'll sit on the counter and he'll lean next to her talking about her day at school while they watch her mom and Rachel do all the work. The weird thing is that even before this conversation, he knew that somehow Rachel would be a part of Shelby's life, which meant a part of Sophia's, a part of his. He doesn't want to interrupt so he props himself up against the counter and watches.

Rachel can feel him behind her, she can feel the way his eyes follow her around the kitchen and the way she knows when they linger a little too long on her legs. It doesn't bother her much, she's used to him looking and when she finishes tossing the salad she turns around leaning against the counter and does some looking of her own. He doesn't back down, she didn't expect him to. They stare at each other until it borders on inappropriate. "It was so nice of you to help Noah" she doesn't know where the sass came from but even to her own ears it sounds like an invitation to their infamous verbal spars. Shelby freezes, she can feel the chemistry between them and finds it odd that not only does she feel protective of Rachel's heart but she has the urge to shield Noah's as well. Before she can defuse… whatever it is that has the potential to start, "I like my food made right Berry, and that's not going to happen if I have any hand in making it." He's lying, Shelby knows for a fact that Noah knows his way around the kitchen but the mirth in Rachel's eyes is a welcome change from the emotions they held just moments ago. She laughs a little to herself and listens absently as they trade one-liners back and forth. There is a feeling inside her house that had never been there before, it feels like home. Noah was Sophia's father a permanent fixture in her life, Rachel her daughter, and something about them all being here in her kitchen feels right to her. Two weeks ago she was unsure about so many things but of this she has no doubt.

Sophia wakes up from her nap just as Rachel removes the homemade mac and cheese from the oven. She watches Shelby for a minute while Noah sets the table and is surprised when the jealousy and rage that usually consumes her barely even rises. The sight of Sophia used to shake Rachel to her very core and now, now she just wants to get to know her. She wants to have a sister with the same intense longing she once had to have a mother. She joins them in the living room, sits with them and plays. She finds herself thinking about the future, about coming home for the holidays and being here. In this apartment with her mom and her sister who would be playing with blocks and colouring and with Noah who would no doubt be holding a pink marker drawing shapes because he would be wrapped around the little princess's pinkie.

Shelby walks her to her car and reassures her again that she can't possibly make the wrong decision about Finn as long as she does what it best for her. She thanks her again, not only for the advice but really for just being there and she revels in the assurance that she always will be. Rachel has a mom now; she has two amazing fathers, a sister and a mom. It takes her about eighteen minutes to get home and another hour to fill her dads in about her day and another two to get her homework done for the week and another ten for her stomach to drop. It catches up with her faster than a bullet aimed at her head. Rachel had Noah now too. In the future of her life, no matter how distant from today he would be there. She was in a relationship with someone she loved, someone she would undoubtly walk away from, someone she knew would not be around for much longer and all she can think about is the fact that Noah Puckerman will be always be there.


	2. Lines in the Sand

She had hoped to run into Noah before going back to school on Monday, where… she had no idea but she had still hoped. The closer she got to going back the more unsure of herself she felt. They hadn't been friends before, friendly yes but no they hadn't been friends. How much of that was their own doing and how much of that was done on behalf of Finn's insecurities is unknown. Ever since dinner at Shelby's she had felt as though they were friends now. The question remained however, whether they were friends in the privacy of her mother home, or if they friends out in the open as well. When Finn had asked her about her visit with Shelby she had left Noah out of it, for now that would have to be her answer.

He isn't avoiding her per say, no he was more or less just staying out of her way. If Noah knew Rachel at all, he knows she had probably spent a fair bit of her weekend trying to place him in a neat little box. A box for their new relationship, with a label and rules and boundaries with a neat little ribbon on top. He might even be okay with that, with being her friend but Finn wouldn't be. So really there was no point in the conversation that she would undoubtedly want to have. Rachel liked structure, another reason why being friends probably not such a good idea. He was more of a one day at a time type of person while she needs to plan and label everything. So yeah, he's not avoiding her; so much as he's just staying out of her way.

It wasn't spying. Shelby wasn't going out of her way to keep tabs on them, she just paid more attention in the hallways then she usually did. Rachel seemed to be searching for someone, though doing her best to devote her full attention to Finn. She hadn't noticed so much before but Finn wasn't just everywhere Rachel was, he was practically her elbow, at her side at all times possible. She guesses that works for some people, Shelby however would have felt claustrophobic to the point of blinding rage. Something tells her Noah is the same way. She watches as he rolls his eyes at the couple while at the same time seeming like he didn't even know they were there. It continues that way for the rest of the day and while she walks to her office she wishes Will the best of luck.

She had to love Artie, every time she seems to find Noah, Finn seems to find reason for them to leave. She only narrowly escapes when Artie conveniently brought up a vintage car that had just shown up in Hummle garage. The look in his eye makes it clear that she owes him for this and she tilts her head briefly, guitar strings would be on her for the next little while. She excuses herself, somewhat uselessly and makes her way towards him as he lounges in the back row of the choir room. Given all the thought she had put in to this it does a little more than irritate her that she can't find the words to say. She shuffles her feet, passing weight from the left to the right while nervously tucking the stray hairs behind her ear. She can't remember the last time her heart had ever been so erratic. Then like at her mother's house, her world is completely changed by the simple image of him.

He knows she spent her weekend thinking because so had he. After she had gone home, he'd put Sophia to bed and then left as well. Lying in his bed unable to fall asleep he'd thought back to their playful banter and the way they had fallen so easily into place. He had thought about her in a way that hadn't happened in so long that he was frozen by it. Unable, unwilling to continue thinking about it any longer, he'd rolled over and forced himself to sleep. The next morning he'd woken up feeling like shit, and it got worse as the morning progressed. A tightening around his stomach as though someone was using it as a stress ball and a drying of his throat as if he'd been denied water for years. He'd shrugged it off as a cold and gone about his life. Until he'd walked through the doors of this prison and had seen her. Rachel Berry, in all her glory; short skirt and her knee highs and a cute little shear top that was a long way from the animal sweaters that used to be her stable. When he'd seen her, ignore the cliché of it all, he felt better. Now with her standing before him, having clearly distracted her boyfriend to be here, he felt good. So he smiled.

Smiled, when was the last time she had seen Noah smile, at her? It wasn't a grin, or a smirk or any one of his numerous come hither looks. No it was a genuine smile of pleasure that made its journey all the way into his eyes, and it was directed towards her. She almost feels unworthy because god is he a beautiful man when he smiles. It calms her to her core, in a way that she had only experienced on stage and as much as that should scare her, she isn't even really surprised. She takes the seat next to him, with a coyness that she isn't sure she possessed before. "Rachel, Berry. Would you like to be my friend?" she puts her hand forward and for a second there's a hesitation that makes her feel as though she may have overestimated the situation.

"Puck, friends eh, I don't have many female friends" she's got this look in her eye. It's something he doesn't see much anymore, it's the same look she gets when she's scheming expect lighter. She looks… she looks sexy, fun, mischievous. She looks just his type. He shakes her hand a little harder than necessary but he needs to shake his head straight. Which her laughter is making pretty impossible. He wasn't lying; he had _**very**_ few female friends. Santana, she was one of his boys. Britney well she was everyone's friend and he'd tapped that too. Quinn, she was lost, really really lost but he still counter her as one of his allies. Mercedes, well she was his friend when the mood struck her and Kurt flies both ways so that's what… two and a sixth, maybe.

Rachel isn't so sure what amuses her more, their wit or their chemistry. It surprises her how intune they are capable of being. She feels the flow of conversation seep through her, she's barely committing herself to this interaction and yet it's progressing. It takes a lot more effort ignoring the implications of the amount of effort she has to put forth to keep a conversation with Finn alive. The magnitude of her laughter catches her off guard, catches everyone off guard apparently. The entire room seems to be aware of the fact that they are talking, that they have been talking for a while and it more than civil.

Finn can't take his eyes off of her. Who is this girl? He feels as if he's never see her before. Yet, she looks a lot like his girlfriend. But Rachel doesn't laugh with her whole body, she doesn't look up at you through her lashes and she definitely doesn't twirl her hair absentmindedly as she returns sassy quip after witty remark. This girl, the one that look like, dresses like, seems like his girlfriend is nothing like the girl he loves. He wants his Rachel back, but as he sits and looks at her, he has no idea how to find her. He looks at Kurt whose looking at this stranger and expects support. But no, it seems the entire world has shifted and left him behind in the dirt. For some reason his brother is looking at this doppelganger as if she hung the moon. "Hmm, there is just something about that girl." He says it in the dreamy voices he gets sometimes and Finn repeats it in his head with an anger that seems more appropriate.

Noah doesn't like the feeling of being watched, never has. So he makes a crack about her needing to argue with Schuester about the group number and nudges her shoulder to get her off the chair. He watches as she lets her hair fall to one side, he watches when she looks at Finn and he sees the change. She deflates somehow. She still looks like her, there's still a smile and still something about her. But she looked like less, like she was holding back some of herself. Now she seemed like any other girl. He doesn't focus on the fact that Finn does that to her because they were just starting to get back to being boys and the last thing he wants to do is get in his face about his girl.

She looks at him one last time because she has too, because for some reason she thinks it that last look that will keep her going. Rachel takes her place between Finn and Kurt, back where she belongs she supposed. She pretends not to notice the new strength behind Finn's embrace. She finds herself thinking about all the things she pretends to ignore. She pretends to ignore the fact that Finn can't seem to leave her alone for more than a few moments before he's back at her side. And not because he missed her, he returns anxiously as though he was worried about what would happen if he stayed away too long. She pretends to not notice the way Tina tenses whenever he returns, like she's fighting to comment about it. She ignores the way Mike always, always shakes his head as if to remind her why they haven't said anything yet, why they never would. She ignores the way that Finn is extra attentive whenever Noah is in the room, even if he's on the opposite side of it. She pretends not to notice the way that he averts his eyes whenever Blaine and Kurt embrace, the same way he averts his eyes whenever her fathers join hands. She knows he isn't homophobic, but he isn't quite comfortable either. Now though, the thing she realizes she pretends not to notice the most, is how little she had to pretend when she was with Noah.

Will Schuester pretends to be a lot more oblivious then he actually is, and while he isn't one to shy away from helping his kids out he doesn't like to get involved too soon. He looks out at the glee club in front of him, with their tangled webs and missing members and he hold out hope that they will be able to get their act together on their own. So he starts off as he always does; with a speech, the theme of the rehearsal and the lesson he hopes they learn by the end of the week. Everyone goes straight to work and it was business as usual. Yet still he focuses on the barely there cracks. The melodies that could use Mercedes' soul, or the harmony that could use Santana's attitude or the steps that could use Britney's help. He thinks he feels new tension amongst his students but can't quite put a name to it. Before he can, their time is up and the kids filed out.

Shelby was waiting just inside the doorway and she smiles at each of the students as they file out. She notices how uncomfortable Finn looks, and is a little taken back by the realization that she can't seem to recall a time he looked any different. Quinn kisses her ass some more and she enjoys it a little too much. She feels for the girl because she was once that girl. But she left; she ran toward her dreams and left Rachel in damn good hands. Quinn started to do the same, gave her daughter to someone capable and left with every intention of making something of her life. But now she was back to being every bit the over privileged, manipulative hell bitch from her past that Shelby had been warned about. She pities Quinn, and hopes quite sincerely that she finds a way to get her shit together. For now though, Shelby plans to sit and stew in her unwavering humanity, protecting her daughter and enjoying been sucked up to.

Noah was putting his guitar away when he hears two laughs that might as well have been one. He tries really hard not to stare but if Shelby was Rachel in twenty years, boy did he want to be there. He had made up his mind to avoid her, Rachel, not Shelby. It would be easier that way. Things were already pretty complicated in his head and he would try and stop things from getting just as complicated outside of it. When Shelby starts to talk her into babysitting with him again tomorrow night he tries, not so covertly, to tell her to quit it. Finn turns to Rachel and almost gives himself whiplash before the questions start flying and accusations are hurled. He moves as quickly as he can, moves Shelby out of the line of fire and gets in between Hudson and Rachel. This was about him, it was annoying but given his past it was fair. He lets Finn have it out for longer than he probably should have and then he tells him to cool it. Tells him Rachel probably forgot to tell Hudson that he had been there last week because they had barely said two words to each other. He tells Finn exactly what he needs to hear to lay off of the girl who has undeserved tears in her eyes. And when he's done doing that he lays into the guy about being less of an asshole to his midget sized other half. He tells Shelby he needs to talk to her about Soph's last check up and guides her out of the room as though they had never been in it. He wants to look back at Rachel, wants to make sure she's okay but the only way to do that is to put as much distance between them as possible.

She didn't do anything wrong. That's what Blaine repeats over and over in her ear and it's the only thing that keeps the tears at bay. Maybe she should have told Finn that Noah had been there when she had gone to see her mom but she hadn't. She hadn't told him because she knew that he would get like this, and she just couldn't handle him like this. For some reason the mere mention of his name from her lips turns her otherwise sweet kind boyfriend into a raging jealous hurtful child. When she calms down enough to look up she's surprised to no longer see Finn. At his stature of 5'7" Noah was more than tall enough to block her eye sight, and standing in front of her the way he was she couldn't see anything but the back of his shirt. She grips on to it like a life line and she doesn't know why but when he takes a slight step back, acknowledging her touch and lending her strength she feels like she can breathe again. Kurt pulls her hands away just in time as Noah turns to leave not seconds afterward. She would hate to have seen Finn's reaction to their contact. It's for that reason and that reason alone that she doesn't turn and watch him leave.

Kurt bit his tongue; he bit his tongue more often than anyone would think. And he looked out for Rachel, weaving his fingers through hers and extracting her hand from the ironclad grip of Puck's tee. He synchronized their breathing because he knew it would calm her down… for a while, it would calm her down just long enough to get her home. and then he would be there when she finally broke down. He looked at Blaine, sweet caring Blaine. Exactly the boyfriend Finn was supposed to be, exactly the boyfriend people thought he was but Kurt knew he wasn't. Kurt loved Finn, he really did but sometimes it was really hard to hold back from saying everything he had to say. Kurt was going to New York, Blaine _was_ going to New York, and Rachel **was **going to New York. Finn was not. Finn wasn't going to New York and that was fine, because let's be honest, Finn wasn't New York material. But Rachel was, Rachel so was and Rachel Berry deserved better than what Finn and Lima had to offer. She was less herself with him, less bright, less loud, less diva, less New York and he hated that. There were times he felt as though Finn were punishing her, because he knew that she would leave and he'd be stuck in this nothing town. Finn would be stuck in this nothing town and Rachel would leave those were just the facts of life. He didn't say anything, and not because it wasn't his place but because the situation was temporary, Finn was temporary. In the mean time he let Rachel slum it, but he kept a watchful eye, made sure she didn't lose herself in the void of less that came in the vessel of Mckinley's jolly green giant.


	3. The Way Things Are

She spends three weeks trying to stay above water and it all comes crashing down around her in a matter of minutes. Noah refused to talk to her. At first it was hardly noticeable but when glee practise came around it was all too obvious. She was able to catch his eye as she walked in and he barely managed a grimace before resuming his conversation with Mike. It continued this way for longer than she would have like but there was nothing she could think to do. When Shelby invites her to dinner one night she accepts immediately, not only would she like to nurture the relationship but she also needs a girl talk. Her anxiety skyrockets the minute she walks through the door and noticed his shoes next to Soph's but not two seconds later he's in her face with Sophia in his hands greeting her in that voice her uses only around his daughter. She smiles and quickly falls in to step with his game. The night progresses much in the same way. Rachel and Noah and her mom dancing around each other, playing with Sophie and being… just being. It relaxes her so much that the next day at school nearly knocks her on her ass. He treats her like she has the plague and the only thing keeping her up right is the memory of them reading Sophia to sleep the night before. She lets it continue for as long as she can but by the time glee rolls around again she's hanging on to her sanity by a string. When she lies to Finn about needing to talk to Paul their pianist she can see him finch out of the corner of her eye. What was once a leisure routine is now a mission from hell as he quickly begins to pack up his guitar. She blocks the door the best she can and at her size it isn't very well at all. He won't look at her, she`s the only thing in the room and he would rather stare at his feet than look at her. She tries desperately to keep the tears at bay. His treatment of her shouldn't hurt so much, but it does. It burns and she`s beginning to feel as though her skin is two sizes too tight. "Are we still friends Noah?"

He hates himself. He hates himself for so many reasons but the number one is for what he is doing to her right now. He can feel her as she shakes. He knows that it is by sheer force of will that is keeping her on her feet. He wants to be her friend. He wants to be whatever she needs him to be, just to be around her. He looks up, allowing himself seconds to hope that maybe he's wrong but he instantly knows he isn't. Finn is standing by the main doors, waiting patiently for his girlfriend and it's Noah's job to send her on her way. He doesn't care about many people but he cares about Rachel, and Finn wouldn't take their friends well at all. He takes a breath to centre himself and all it does is cause an ache in his chest. For the second time in his life Noah will do what needs to be done, regardless of how badly it burns. "No, Rachel we aren't friends," he tries to walk past her but she grabs his wrist. He ignores the momentary reprieve it provides and stands completely still.

Her dad says it isn't over until it's over and Noah may be saying the words, but his tone and his eyes prove he doesn't mean them. So she stops him. She stops him because it hurts to watch him leave and when she looks up she sees the reason why this hurts so badly. Standing several metres away is the reason Noah is willing to break them both. It is a cold day in hell when Noah Puckerman cares more about her boyfriend than she does but as it stands she couldn't care less about Finn Hudson. "Maybe not here, for everyone to see, but where it count's Noah. Where it counts, you are my best friend," and she lets him go, ignoring how heavy her hand now feels by her side. She's said all she has to say, and that was really all she had in her to give. When he places a kiss to her temple, and then another on her forehead repeating her words back to her it all ends. She isn't strong enough for this. She wasn't built to withstand this kind of agony. The thought of him walking away is so damaging that she crumbles before the actual sight of it. She drops to the floor and she can feel the tension between his desire to pick her up and his apparent need to leave her behind. As she feels arms lift her from the ground she knows instantly that he is gone.

He's half way out the door by the time Finn reaches her. Noah knows by the sound of her sobs that she knows all too well whose arms she is in, and whose arms she isn't. He wanted to stay, he wanted to tuck her hair behind her ear and just stare at her. And when she blushed, which she always did when he inspected her for too long, he would kiss her just behind the ear. Right next to her tattoo of an eight note that every few people knew she had. Then she would smile at him, in the most infectious way and she would giggle and he would chuckle and the world would be perfect. In that moment it would be just the two of them and they would be happy. But life doesn't work like that. Rachel has plans, starting like yesterday and mapping her life out for the next ten years. Noah has goals. No plans on how to achieve them just end games. He knows he's going to provide for his daughter, knows he's going to get a scholarship to whatever school will accept him. Noah knows he's going to get the hell out of Lima but still somehow be a father to Sophia who won't be leaving with him. All objective but no plans, there's no stability in his life and that suits him just fine but Rachel deserves more. Even if he had plans, she deserves someone who can at least relate how he feels about her. Because aside from she makes him happy; he doesn't know how to classify any of his thoughts. So in the end it's pretty safe to say that he doesn't walk away because he wants to. He walks away because that moment, that single perfect moment is just that. A moment hidden between here and there, between the life he wants and the life he actually lives. He may want Rachel, in whatever capacity available. And he may even be able to achieve that if not for that fact that she already has that, with Finn. And Noah ignores the feelings associated with coming in yet again as Finn Hudson's runner up. So yeah, he walks away, out of the space that was never his, replaced by Finn like he always is.

Finn was not as clueless as people may think he is. He saw the chemistry between Rachel and Puck, he say how they flirted and how they pushed each others' buttons. He saw a lot more than he wanted to, but he also saw things he knows other people don't. He saw that Rachel needed someone stable, someone loyal and reliable. He saw that Puck had chemistry with everyone, in spades whatever that meant. Finn saw that a lot of people have dreams, dreams that lead them out of Lima and the real world that leads them right back. He was reliable, he was loyal and while he and Rachel lack chemistry they didn't lack a connection. She believed in him, and he supported her and that was what made relationships last. So he had no problem picking her up, no problem with her clinging to him as if she wanted to crawl inside and disappear from the world. He wasn't upset that his shirt was probably ruined by her tears and running make up. He wasn't mad that this was because of Puck. He was content because the sooner this happened the better. He didn't like sharing, Rachel especially and now he was sharing her with one less person. And when she came back from New York ready to settle down into the real world he would be done sharing her with the World.


	4. Cut Me Open and See What's Inside

She contemplates cutting her hair, more seriously than she ever has. Since the ninth grade she has only ever trimmed it. Rachel can't remember what it feels like for her hair to simply brush the top of her shoulders. In the back of her mind she can feel his hands running through her hair. She can feel the strain on her scalp from when he used to tug on the ends of her curls between performances. She remembers the week he showed her what it meant to belong to someone. The way her body responding to him. The way she was never in control, the way she learned to like. After Finn dropped her off at home she couldn't do anything but stare into her bathroom mirror and think of him. How could she possibly feel this way about him, how had it snuck up on her and why did she have to realize it now? He used to call her princess. She remembers that every time she would correct his behaviour or ramble off a statistic he would cock his head to the side _"okay, princess"._ She thinks she misses that. Finn only calls her Rachel. She can't stop running her hands through her hair. The feeling in her chest begs her to do something, tear something, just fucking break everything but she can't move. Just tug and tug at her curls, strand after strand. Her hair was curled that day on the bleachers. She wants so badly to look away. This image has him written all over it. Nothing about this is hers, none of it Finn's. Noah loves her curls, has since they were kids. So many girls have straight hair he told her one day after temple_, if you're gonna be different anyway Berry might as well be different and hot. _She can see him running the tips of his fingers along the hem of her skirt. She can hear the smart ass comment about the kinds of fantasy skirt like hers invoke in men like him. There is just enough sheer in her top and just enough lace in her camisole to entice him, _like a surprise that's guaranteed to good. _God everything about her is tied to him in some way. How, how had that happened? Exhaustion finally gives way and she falls against the tub unable to look at herself any longer. She feels the tears against her cheeks, wonders when she started crying, wonders if she'll ever stop. So many thoughts and she can't focus on one long enough to find a solution. The harder she tries the stronger the urge to tear her hair out. She'd never understood it before but now she can see why some people cut, why some people starve themselves, why people do drugs. Its sorrow, its heartache, it's the desire to take back control, the desire to forget once you fail. Her desire to rip every strand of hair out one by one is no different than someone's need to drag a razor from left to right over and over again. Control control control. She needs to regain control.

He runs on autopilot. He doesn't know how fast he was driving. He doesn't know how many stop lights he stopped at. He has no recollection of getting out of his car, or getting back in. He doesn't remember going home. He doesn't know if his bedroom door is look but he prays it is. He's half way through his first two-six of Jack Daniel and he'd slow down but he can't. Besides, he can clearly see another three bottles. He's fine. Maybe a drunken coma is exactly what the doctor ordered. He left her there. No good he can do from this day forth will make up for that one fact. She was broken, she was crying out for him and he turned his back on her and walked away. He downs the last of the bottle without a second thought. Open another. Drink. Drink more. Punch the wall. Ow, he thinks that hurt. How could he just leave her there? What kind of a person does that. Drink more. More. More. Don't stop. Keep drinking. Finn will take care of her. That's how he did it, that's why he did it. Noah Puckerman was not her boyfriend, he was not the love of her life, he was not her knight in shining armour. This was for the best. He could feel her falling, giving in to the attraction between them. It would have ruined her. The only good thing he'd ever accomplished was being there for Sophia, and he'd had to give her away too. Drink more. He had the next three days to forget about the pain. The next time he saw her, he had to be sure. No going back, hell there was nothing to go back to. She wasn't his, never had been. Drink.

Santana for once kept her mouth shut. She asked no questions. There wasn't a point really, she doubts that Rachel has any answers to give her. "Ruin me" she had said. She'd shown up at her doorstep looking as though someone had put her through a shredder and just stood there. If there was one thing that Santana could say about Rachel it was that she was meticulous in her appearance. Her style had been questionable for a while there, but there was never a thread out of place. Perfect from head to toe, until now. When she'd asked her what she wanted, what she was doing at her house… Santana doesn't know what she'd expected but not this. _I need you to ruin me._ Ruin me, how many times had she said that same thing to herself. Tired of the way she saw herself, enraged by the way others saw her. Ruin me, the last thought before reckless actions. Every time she found herself under another nameless face, or standing over her latest victim. Outwardly she was on the attack but inwardly she begged for them, ruin me. Change me. Make me over. I'm tired of being myself. So, as bad of an idea as this may have been she stepped aside and let Rachel in. You can't do it yourself, Santana knows that and apparently Rachel does to. Other people validate you, tell you if you're doing something wrong, show you how to do it right. Other people break you. Other people change you. Ruin me, I'd do it myself but I don't know how.

It's Saturday night and Mike asks no questions. It's partially because he's a guy and partially because he's know Puck forever. When he's ready to talk then they'll talk. Until then though, it was jd and cod. He doesn't ask why everyone's here but Finn, doesn't really care. The longer Finn's with Rachel the less he's likeable… to anyone. So the boys sans Finn drink. Noah's got a pretty impressive head start but they're catching up. When everyone's properly slaughtered he tells them what happened. Tells them he walked away from the one girl who could change him. Tells them that he's got to let her go, for her. Tells them that he might be in love with her and Finn can never know. Mike thinks he's heard more bullshit in the last twenty minutes than he has his entire life but he keeps his mouth shut. So does Artie and so does Sam. No one knows how to bring up Rachel, how to change his mind without facing certain death. No one can get him to see that as much as Rachel changes him, he changes her too. But they're dudes, and they're drunk, they don't talk. So they pass him more because they won't be able to change his mind. And they listen, and they drink because they've got his back. Mike wonders how glee is going to work, and then he drinks because it's gotten to the point where all rational thought is giving him a headache. Sam makes a comment about getting rid of Finn, Artie suggests that Rachel is more Pucks type anyways and he makes sure to mention the way she looks at him when she thinks no one's looking. They all try and slip support into his psyche because they're good friends but in the end they drink more than they say and they help more than they know.

"Do you own jeans?" What an odd question, and yet it makes sense to her. She tries to feel out of place, tries to feel awkward but she doesn't. After standing in Santana's bathroom, over the sink full of her hair being at the mall with her seems like any other Sunday. No, she doesn't own jeans. Skirts, yoga pants and leotards; that was Rachel Berry. Jeans are easy she says. One in every shade and you never have to think about your outfit. Just grab and go. It'll be too hard she says, too hard with everything going on in your head to put any real effort into how you look. Rachel thinks she's right, because even now the thought of getting ready for school seems exhausting. Pointless. All of it, the outfits, the care she took, all of it was so pointless. Santana mentions other things, tips and tricks to make it through the day. Says it's a good thing its spring. Jeans, a tank and a sweater. Thirty seconds and she can be out the door. Ponytails, though her hair was short enough that she wouldn't really need it. Mascara, maybe some eyeliner, powder if she's feeling up to it. She stares at Santana as if seeing her for the first time. Instead of the usual cheerio uniform it's a pair of faded denim skinny jeans and a chasmere cardigan over a black tank top. Her hair as always in a pony tail, and some mascara. No thought at all and yet she's still one of the hottest girls in Lima. Rachel starts to think about how many other broken girls are looking so well put together. Be careful young ladies, pretend so well and soon no one will think anything is wrong. No one will ruin you good and solid. She fingers her hair. It just barely touches her shoulders. She's in a pair of yoga pants and a concert tee a size too big. She looks relaxed. She feels so heavy and yet so light. She was broken, but she would survive.


	5. More Options Than You Know

Rachel wakes up Monday morning and loses her breakfast before she's even out the door. Between hugging the toilet and thinking about how she's going to make it through the day her body shuts down. And then there is banging at the door and her dad's shout that it's for her and all she does is pray again and again that it isn't Finn. And it's not. She isn't sure what she thought would happen between her and Santana but this is more she hoped for. Standing in her front hallway, holding her backpack is Satan. And somehow she welcomes the image, knowing that right now the devil is the only one you can understand, the only one who can support her. So she got her ass in the car like she was told and silently thanked the powers that be for Santana Lopez.

Noah skips Monday. It's a copout but he's always been a coward so no one should really be surprised. He does go to football practice though. Does everything he can to not look at the stands. She isn't there, don't ask him how he knows that because he couldn't tell you. For maybe three seconds he wonders why she isn't there to watch Finn like always but he almost chokes on the thought, and then he's emptying his stomach of three days worth of binge drinking and all the hang-over food. Coach sends him home and Mike follows. He calls the day a minor success and promises himself that the next day he'd try harder.

Shelby doesn't need Will in her office to know something is up. Rachel is so much like her. The jeans are a red flag on fire stuck in the crown of the statue of liberty. They have to be new. And the hair. Michel and Daniel had given her pictures of Rachel through the years and she can't remember the last time Rachel allowed it to be cut so short. Shelby cannot properly count the amount of times she tried to lose herself, to change herself. She wants to help, but she knows that she was right to tell Will to back off, she was right to not do anything. Rachel was stubborn, more than all of her parents combined, and she would come to them… eventually. She does however tell Noah that she needs him to babysit all week because he is Rachel's opposite. He would never ask for help, always try and stand strong through the storm. Shelby doesn't need to know what happened. She can take a pretty accurate guess based on the smug smile on Finn's face.

Wednesday is a turning point for Rachel. She managed to keep her lunch down. It's small and probably pathetic but given that she hasn't seen Noah since that day and she's still pretending to be in love with her boyfriend she would revel in the small victories. She thinks about him constantly. A part of her thinks that's probably the source of half of her pain, the other knows it's a part of the relief. She thinks of his smile, of the way he runs his hand through his daughter's curls while she sleeps, of the way he says her last name. She tries to remember what it was like to hate him, to try and get back to that place but it won't work. Even then she remembers admiring his love for his mother, the way he looked at his sister like she was the reason the sun rose, and he always he made sure no one slushied her again once she'd changed clothes . Noah was never all bad. Which is probably why it was so hard.

Kurt tells Mercedes under no uncertain terms that she was to rejoin new directions. It wasn't so much that they needed her and mostly because she was being ridiculous. She asks about Rachel, everyone having noticed that the girl was walking around like a zombie. He blows up on her, probably because he can't flip out on Rachel but regardless. If Mercedes cared about what was going on with Rachel than she probably missed Tina a hundred times more and Schuster and Blaine. And if she misses them, cares about them than she needed to check her ego at the door and just come back. He tells her she's probably the only person who had the balls to find out why Puck looked even worse than Rachel. He doesn't know if it's the guilt or curiosity but he knows he's got her.

Santana drives Rachel to school every day for a week. She doesn't question it because it's too weird to really think about. Weirder still is that she has lunch with Puck every day the next week. They chill together sure, Puck is her boy, she would lay serious damage down for the kid but they don't socialize like normal people. He asks her about it, more than once and she blows him off every time. A part of it is because he's her boy and a part of it is because he's Rachel's. She's not stupid; if it were up to the midget they would be making hot dirty kosher love. This was his fault, or doing or whatever politically neutral term you wanted to use. So because he's her boy she wants to know why, he's doing this to himself, choosing to be so miserable. His snark has gotten seriously lame, his football and basketball practices crazy aggressive and if the rumors are to be believed he's sleeping with the volleyball team, again. And because he's Rachel's she sits with him to make sure he's okay that way she can keep Rachel okay. Still, she doesn't spend a second questioning it because she has a reputation to uphold, thanks.

Finn gets the feeling he's missing something… more than usual. He tells Rachel he liked her in jeans and she looks as if he just ripped her heart out. He says he likes this more laid back version of her and Kurt looks like he wants to murder him. He mentions that Noah seems to be back to his old ways and he could have sworn he saw Mike holding Tina back. But to really investigate things didn't seem to be worth his time. Because as much as he feels like he's missing something, he's also gained a lot. Rachel seems to be more** his** than ever. She doesn't talk about Puck at all, there are no texts or phone calls as far as he knows and he doesn't see Puck out of the corner of his eye whenever they're together. She's quieter too. She doesn't talk so much, isn't so animated and excitable. She's just like everyone else. So yeah he may be missing something but it's working to his benefit so why worry about it.

She wants more than anything to skip glee. More than being on Broadway, or meeting Streisand or winning a Tony, she just doesn't want to see him. But she can't do that, even if she wanted to. She drove with Santana and she has practise with Shelby, Kurt won't skip practice and unless she wants to walk she's stuck there. So she goes to the bathroom and cries and cries and cries. Then she washes her face, re-applies her eyeliner and pulls her hair into a ponytail. She looks back at her reflection and feels stronger. She runs her hands down the denim of her skinny jeans and puts her game face on. She was more than capable of doing this. For the next five months it was lights on and curtains up. _Applause please, let the play begin. _

He sees through her the second she walks through the door. Her head is up but it isn't high. She's walking about purpose but there is no bounce in her step. She makes it a point to keep her eyes on her chair, or maybe on Finn either way she never even glances in his direction. She sits down and he can feel the weight on her shoulders. Maybe he should leave, maybe he should just skip like he had last time. But he can't, he needed all of his extra-curriculars to apply for scholarships. He racks his mind for a solution when it happens and the world stops. Fifteen minutes into glee, three minutes into Schuster's speech Mercedes walks in, then Britney, than Santana, all the other members of Shelby's choir and finally Shelby. He thinks he imagines it but he knows he hasn't, Santana just brushed her hand across Rachel's arm before joining him in the back row. He looked at her, burning holes into the back of her head and he can practically feel the fire return to her eyes. He sees her square her shoulders and she's ready to fight again. Noah's eyes connect with Shelby and he knows she saw it too, whatever **it** was.

Her mom makes some speech about the expansion of new directions and fresh starts. There are enough side glances and the slight touch of San's hand on her shoulder to let her know one of those reasons was to support her. Mercedes starts talking her ear off, and she can't help but get into it. She's missed her fellow Diva. Even to her own ears she sounds flat, a little lifeless maybe even a little soulless but this is the most alive she's felt in a month. Finn is holding her hand, squeezing it whenever she starts to gesture with her hands in the smallest ways, when she becomes minimally animated it's like he tries to pull her back. She tries to ignore but can't help but hearing Tina's grumbling behind her and Britney's chorus of _preach sister._ When she focuses on him for the first time since that day her breath is caught. She thought he had left but there he stood. Talking to Shelby with his hands in his pockets and his jaw tensed. Before she knows what she's doing her feet start to carry her towards him. Kurt had asked her how she managed to stay away from him when she so clearly wanted him, she hadn't had an answer. Now she did, she'd stayed away because he hadn't been around because she didn't really have a choice but with him in her eye sight nothing could keep her away.

He can feel her approaching him, it's the way his stomach tightens and the hair on his neck rises. He'd never had such a physical reaction to someone before her. Probably never would again. He tries to rush this conversation with Shelby, there was nothing to say or do about them. Rachel and Noah were not an entity; there was him and her, no them. He thinks she hears this by the way her breath hitches. And since he's obviously a masochist he has to add _no matter how much I may wish otherwise_ and tells himself it's because he didn't want to hurt her, when really he can't stand the thought of her thinking for a nanosecond that he doesn't want her. However he is not so much of a sadist to stick around now that he can see Finn approaching her in his peripheral, probably to head her off. So he leaves, ignores that Mercedes tags along and ignores the look of understanding he can see festering in Blaine's eyes. Thank god it was Friday.

She'd never been one to condone violence but when Finn impedes her path to Noah she has to stop herself from fisting him in the jugular. The thought alone sends a shock through her system and her hand twitches to action just as Kurt laces their fingers together. Then she is struck by the thought of just how much Kurt does for her, just how often he waits behind the scenes only to spring into action right when she needs him most. Amidst all of these thoughts the loss of Noah in her sightline is still the most evident and so she finds it hard to hear what Finn is saying to her. He doesn't seem to notice in the slightest though, which he never really seems to. He never seems to notices anything about her. "What is my favourite colour"?

"What?"

"My favourite colour Finn, what is it?"

"pur-bl-y-yellow?"

She guesses it's a good attempt considering the colour of her bedroom walls but wrong.

"My favourite Frapp from starbucks?"

"I… I don't know. What does it matter? Rachel I'm trying to talk to you about tomorrow's game can you focus?"

And there it is; the end of their relationship. She waits for the telltale signs of heartbreak. The things she's been experiencing for the last five weeks for the wrong boy. They never come, and worse yet is that Finn takes her introspective silence as permission to continue. Kurt squeezes her hand to bring her back to the land of the aware. Rachel looks into his eyes, really looks, and tries to feel her heart swell and her knees give out a little. Yet again it doesn't come but then she tries to recall the exact mahogany-gold-green of Noah's irises and the effort alone leaves her a little light-headed with desire to see them again. She unlaces her hands from Kurt and bushes him towards the door. Before he can protest Santana ushers him towards Blaine which is distraction enough. She is strengthened again _trust me unicornboy she's got this._ And she did. Rachel thinks of that first night with Shelby when she had faced a future with two options, spending the next months with Finn or getting over him. Well it's time to choose option C.


	6. It's 'Wrong Turn In Tahoe' Bad

**AN: For those of you who don't know I really really can't stand Finn. Just keep that in mind while you're reading in case you want to give up on me. He'll be gone soon. Like next chapter or two soon.**

Somehow, and don't ask him how, but somehow Blaine always manages to get his mind together before all the rest. He slaps Kurts shaking hand hoping it will bring it back to himself but he doesn't give it too much credit. This is huge. Huger than huge. "Ho-h-h-how, did we go from helping you through a break-up to helping you break an engagement, again, exactly…?" Because the more he thinks about it, the less it made any sense. Like no sense. The more he brain tries to work through it the more it makes his head hurt and he now understands why Kurt is shaking. He just really hopes Santana is remembering to breathe.

"I'm not engaged"

"Oh really manhands, because I was standing right there. He asked and you said yes"

Santana was trying to stop laughing. Really she was, she's spent the entire weekend trying to stop laughing and at this point it was actually getting painful. But it was just too damn funny. She turned to Kurt for support, a look that would hopefully help bring her back to herself but no dice. He had his hands laid out in front of him with that same stupefied look on his face he'd had all weekend, with his mouth half open. Even his manicurist was shaking her head at how ridiculous their conversation was. Not that Blaine was much better, somehow he now eerily silent, as though someone had just told him the most frightening and most hilarious thing at the same time. Huh, come to think of it that's really what this was, hilariously frightening. Her ribs are starting to ache, it was time to get it together.

"I did not say yes, I simpl-"

"Rachel, sweetie please 'okay' means yes."

Kurt watches Santana as she grabs her sides, fighting to calm down at least a bit. He wishes he could do the same but it was all just so ridiculous. He'd opened his mouth to further respond to the retardation his ears had just been subjected to but there was nothing more to say. Yet still, he couldn't close his mouth. Something more was begging to be said, anyone would do it didn't have to him. He looked from Santana to Blaine to Rachel to Santana and back to Blaine. What had happened to the world. He had a boyfriend, he was Rachel's best friend and he and said boyfriend were at the Spa with Satan who seemed to also be Rachel best friend. Oh and Rachel was engaged. Ta-da.

"It's not… I wasn't- What could I have said.. he just caught me off guard. I was agreeing more to having heard him than to what he was asking"

_Rachel thinks of that first night with Shelby when she had faced a future with two options, spending the next months with Finn or getting over him. Well it's time to choose option C. So she squared her shoulders and turned to face her soon to be ex-boyfriend. Thankfully he looked as tired as she felt, maybe this wouldn't be so hard. He was probably expecting this. Breathe in, out. Go._

"_Finn, I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend and act like what we're doing has any chance of working."_

"_Thank God. Rachel you going to New York, I completely understand that's your dream but I'm staying here." _

"_I know, I do, and I'm glad… so unbelievably glad that you understand something has to give. I've changed and the things I want have changed and I need to get serious about the future. Our futures just aren't the.." _

"_The way they should be, I know that. I've always known that Rachel and now that you know that too. Now that you've changed your mind about New York. I'm serious about being with you forever Rachel. I haven't gotten a ring yet, and it won't be for a while but I want to marry you someday." _

_If Rachel's brain was still functioning she would have heard Santana's breathless 'wait waaaaht!'. But she didn't. Had she been aware of her surroundings she would know that Kurt was now seated while he tried to make sense of something that made no sense. Rachel was doing the same, stationary and immobile her brain moving at the speed of light. Over and over the conversation played out in her head and over and over she came up blank on how it had gone the way that it did. She was tired. She'd said that. She couldn't do this anymore. Yup, that was in there too. Her wants have changed, definitely said that. So how had he just asked her to marry him. _

_She's sputtering, she can hear it. Above the bounding in her chest and the static in her mind she can hear herself trying to force words out. Impossible. There are no words. Okay, she said everything she was supposed to. The problem was clearly with him. So what had he said. He'd admitted that their after graduation plans were retarded. Okay. Then he'd said he was staying in Lima and her dreams were in New York. Couldn't agree more. Then there was so business about her realizing her dreams were different. AHA! There it was, She was going to New York. Her dreams weren't different, at all. Her desire to be with him was the issue And there, right there that was where it had all gone wrong. _

"_Oh okay…" _

" _Sweet baby Jesus, Joseph and Mary" _

"_Okay? You mean yes, yes… Rach?, Rachel baby it's gonna be perfect."_

"_I don't under… I feel dizzy, I need to sit down" _

"_You are sitting down babe. Come to think of it I may need to join you, is dizziness contagious?" _

_Wait. What had just happened. Why is he holding her. Better yet why is he happy and why are her friends acting like the world just ended. Oh no. no no no no no no no no no. _

"_th-ath-tha-ha-hta-that's no no not what I no tha-that's. oh god."_

"_We need to leave. Now, we need to go. right. now. This second. Put her down Finnessa, she clearly needs medical attention" _

Santana was looking at her like she's crazy but she's not. When she had said okay it was her inside voice talking on the outside. She meant "okay, that's where we took a wrong turn". "Okay that's what I have to address in order to get back on track". **Not** "okay let's get married". Why, why would she want that? Even if she didn't lo… even if she didn't feel the way she did about Noah she was still going to New York and Finn still wasn't. There was no logical reason she would say yes to Finn's proposal, for the love of Moses, he proposed to her in a high school music room. Has he _met_ her? God, it all felt so exhausting. Her life was starting to feel like a reoccurring nightmare that just won't ease up.

Blaine asks his masseuse to wait a second while he dug a buzzing purple phone out of his jeans pocket. Holding it up he doesn't know why he bothers because she's just going to tell him to ignore it. The same way he's ignored it all weekend. They went from the music room to Santana's car to her house and haven't left each others' sides since. It was like post-traumatic stress or something; where people who were involved in tragic events can't tolerate the thought of leaving one another. They had a sleep-over, they ignored Finn's call. They went for breakfast, they ignored Finn's call. They cooked dinner, they ignored Finn's call. They watched movies, they ignored Finn's call. They went to the spa, they ignored Finn's call. It was all very rigorous in a way that was as illogical as was humanly possible.

Kurt didn't know how many different ways they could dice it. As much as they ignored Finn, the object o the weekend had been figuring out how to deal with him. He consumed most of their thoughts and a majority of their conversations. It was their job to help Rachel through this. She'd had a tough time as it was trying to simply break-up with Finn, now she had to reject a marriage proposal. It was all very jarring. After the first ten minutes, while they had stood there and watched the absurdity that was Finnchel, he'd gotten used to Santana in his life. The fact that she was attending Tisch for dance made it all seem so kismet. So Kurt was going to New York, Blaine was, Santana was, Rachel was and Finn wasn't. Instead of them trying to figure out what to do next he wished while they enjoyed this diva approved spa day and Finn would, god knows how, come to realize he was the odd one out and move on.

While Santana managed to stop splashing pedicure water all over the place, she shot her pedicurist the dirtiest look she had. For the amount of money she blew in this place a month she could splash as much fucking water as she pleased thanks. They've gone over and over the Finn debacle and it seemed to just get funnier every. single. time. She felt for Rachel she really did, but come on! Santana would have just laughed in his face, or slapped him or whatever it is people do to get through thick imbecilic skulls. It was just getting hard to watch really. Rachel was so distraught, didn't know what to do "Finn's so sweet, so kind hearted". Santana knew better, and when Rachel was being honest with herself, so did she. Finn wasn't as sweet as he came across, he was just stupid. Selfish and stupid. He took what he wanted when he wanted and didn't apologize for it and the only reason people let it slide was because he was so damn dumb, they just assumed he hadn't meant to hurt whoever it was that got hurt. And whether it was Quinn or Rachel or Santana or Quinn _again_ or Rachel_ again_, someone always got hurt. Santana had thought Finn would be the one to ruin her. The good guy, the one that would see through her mask and beg her to be a better person so they could be together. She was wrong, so did she see a reason to break Finn gently? Hell no. But Rachel was Rachel and it was their job to help her find a way.


	7. Can You Hear A Heart Break?

**AN: I've noticed that I've become notorious for not replying to all of my reviews. I try to. So when I don't it's not because I don't read them or because I don't value them. I love them, and you for leaving them. **

**Public Service Announcement: Sometimes being the "bigger person" isn't real life. This needed to be done. I make no apologies for it. **

He'd been with Shelby when she got the call. Apparently Michal wanted to give her a heads up that Finn was looking for Rachel and she was hiding out with Satan. He resists the urge to check in with Sans and completely ignores the giddy gleam in Shelby's eyes when she announces that there seems to be trouble in paradise. What he couldn't block out is the fact that Mrs Goldman saw the Rabbi talking to Mrs. Hummel at the supermarket. And his nosey former babysitter felt the need to tell Dodah Vi because apparently "that nice Hudson boy" wanted to marry "Daniel and Michal's sweet little girl" without converting religions. And of course his dodah had to call her sister, because this is Lima and you don't hold on to good gossip. Sometimes he really wished Rebecca was a boy because as Puck-like as his little sister is, she's still a girl so he's subjected to all the gory details while the girls dished over dinner. Still he holds back everything he's feeling until Monday morning, because that's when he loving mother decides to mindfuck him sideways. He was to be sure to congratulate Rachel with the roses she'd bought and tell Finn whatever he needed to know. Luckily before he can spiral into despair his sister comments that it's a pity Rachel is marrying so young and guess she's not going to New York.

He drives to school on auto-pilot. He has no consciousness, no subconscious, just the most basic of animal instincts. Right now all he heard in his mind was **Puck mad, Puck ****smash.** There was no way, absolutely no way that Rachel Berry wasn't going to New York. There was no way she was settling for Lima. Because for as long as he's known Rachel, which is as long as he can remember, she's always wanted to get out, always wanted to go somewhere she could sing and dance and act for the rest of her life. She had wanted Broadway before she even knew what it was. And the thought that sends him off the rails is that she's probably wanted Finn even longer than that. Rachel was a girl and just like his sister she was raised on all that fairy-tale Disney bullshit. Before Rachel had put on her first pair of ballet shoes, she'd probably watched Snow White and fallen in love with Prince charming and created her happily ever after. So maybe… just maybe, she wanted Finn more than she wanted Broadway. That's what killed him inside. He lets his instincts guide him. Out of the car. Into the school. Straight to her. Straight to Finn. He's in no state of mind to catch the words being passed between the two.

She feels him before she sees him. Just as expected Finn is waiting for her at her locker. And with a brief hug and ultrachaste kiss she begins to tell him that she'd thought a lot about them over the weekend while he begins to tell her that he spoke to her Rabbi. And then she feels him. She feels Noah in her soul like a flame and he's getting closer. It's so overwhelming that she's about ten minutes behind reality. She's trying to catch up with how attuned her body to his presence. She doesn't realize that she can feel him on her skin when he lightly pushed her further into her locker. She isn't aware that she can feel just how desperate he is to get her out of the way. She is too caught up to really see him punch Finn, not in a way her brain can understand. She can't hear the commotion. The yelling that is mostly coming from Noah, mostly about her and New York and being tied down to this foresaken town. She had no idea how big the crowd was that surrounds them. She isn't cognitive enough to be surprised by how little their friends were really trying to hold Noah back. When she finally feels herself being pushed she misses Finn fighting back. She misses Noah push him further down the hall. As her eyes begin to comprehend the first punch, she missed the second. By the time she catches up enough to try and stop things, the fight is already over. She feels flowers being pushed into her arms and the words_ congratulations_ and _I'm happy for you_ echo down the hallway like the aftershocks of an earthquake.

_She's going to New York, and if you try to keep her here I will be at your door every morning beating you into a coma until her ass is on plane._ The words stop her more than the actions. Shelby can hear the conviction in his voice; the sheer force of his anger. A tidal wave flowing from his very pores, laying bare all those around him. He is destruction. He is chaos. He is a father defending his family. A man protecting his mate. He was every single thing you should fear in a person. She finally understood his reputation. The reason his name sent tremors down the spines of his enemies. Noah was not a man to be crossed. She'd heard the stories about Puck, they were hard to reconcile with the man she knew him to be. Now she sees it though. Sees the man who did what he wanted, bedded whomever he pleased and made no apologies for either. The animal her daughters had tamed. She should be ashamed of the pride that bubbles in her but it was impossible. It was a sight. Such a sight that it takes her a moment to remember she was a teacher now, _responsible adult_ she reminds herself. He's already making his way down the hall when she starts to break up the crowd. She can't help but stare as he walks away, watching the muscles in his back clench, like the coil inside is wound too tight and he was just waiting to spring. Twenty years ago, hell who is she kidding, twenty months ago Shelby would have given Rachel a run for her money to be the woman he used to unwind. The pride consumes her when she catches Rachel watching him too… the fire in her eyes, yup that girl was definitely hers.

Mercedes leads Rachel into an empty classroom. Realistically she would rather have followed Puck but it wasn't really her place. After she'd walked out of glee with him they'd had a bit of a man to man. It was no secret that there was something between him and Rachel, and it was common knowledge the way he felt about her relationship with Finn but Mercedes had never seen anything like it. His eyes, dead wasn't even the right word. No, they were more like something that had never been alive. They walked out together, and it was all good. She talked about nothing, then about glee, then Sam and then Rachel. He was an ass, and funny and surprisingly comforting. But the second she mentioned Finn, and more importantly Finn with Rachel, he just clocked out. It scared her, more than a little, it scared her greatly. So instead of driving her home they went to his house and talked more. Well she talked, he grunted mostly. But she knew he was hurting and she tried to help until she just couldn't take it anymore. It was freaky really. The second they stop talking about Finnchel it was like a part of his brain shut down and he was good again, alive again. There was an untouchable Puck, and there was a human Noah and this wall between them. And by the looks of it, the only person who could unlock both sides at once was the one hurting him the most, or was she the person hurting the most.

Quinn takes a breath. She's never seen anything like it, even her first slushie hadn't caught this kind of attention. Nor had it encompassed this kind of energy. There was a silence. One she's never heard before and in reality hardly seemed silent at all. Something happened. Something that could not be seen. Something that was heard but not heard. It was inside of Noah, maybe Finn, probably Rachel. She only cares about one though and she knows exactly where he went. So she sits with him on the bleachers. He probably doesn't even know she's there but it doesn't matter. She knows what people think about her, what Shelby thinks about her. And she knows what Noah knows about her. What she knows about him. A few months ago all she wanted was her baby back. And the person she hated more than Shelby was Rachel. Two strangers who had a better, existent, relationship with her daughter when she had nothing. But Puck was there, reminding her of all the things Rachel had done, all the things they had overcome together. So then it one stranger. Until Puck showed her the pictures, pictures of Sophia. And then she had a relationship, and less reason to hate. With every picture was a story. The way she giggled, the way she smiled, the way she gravitated towards anything green. She knows things about her baby that are all her. Not Shelby, not Noah, but her. So she stopped wanting to steal her baby back. She started just wanting to hold her, to love her. And then Noah showed her more pictures, not of Sophia but of her. Quinn as a baby, as she grew, Quinn at homecoming last year. All over Shelby's house there were pictures of her and pictures of Noah. And then she just stopped, and cried, and let him hold her. So she sits with him on the bleachers, and she holds his hand. Because he knows her. And she knows him.


	8. Remnants Of A Tragedy

**Disclaimer; Though I wish at 11:11 every day and night I still don't own Glee =( If I did do you really think cannon would be happening right now?**

Finn avoids talking to anyone who isn't Rachel. It's not very hard considering everyone seems to avoid talking to him. He knows what they all think; he's pathetic, he's desperate, he should just let her go. Well, they can shove it because he won't. They don't know how amazing she is, how supportive, how loyal, how much she helps him, how good she makes him feel. Why would he ever want to let go of that. He knows, knows in his heart that if she really genuinely wanted to with someone else she would be. But she isn't. She'd said she wanted them to break-up and he'd gotten her to stay until June. She says it's because that was their original plan but he knows better. She's just scared and maybe a little confused but he's going to make the next two months the best of her life and then they'll stay together for the summer and then after she goes to New York and he'll wait until she comes back. He has a plan.

Rachel has no idea what she's doing. She doesn't mean to watch; in fact she wishes more than anything that she could stop. It's been weeks. Weeks of explaining to Finn why she won't marry him, trying to drill into his head that their relationship is over. Weeks of him pretending not to have heard her. Weeks of him picking her up in the morning and taking her to breakfast and acting like he can win her back and change her mind in few weeks they have left until graduation. It's been weeks of her ignoring Finn and watching them. They're always together. Always side by side, and when they're not she counts the minutes they're apart because in those minutes she can breathe. She notices more than she should, more then she wants to. She notices how natural they are. Rachel had memorized Finn's schedule, Finn knew what hallways Rachel walked to avoid getting slushied. Quinn and Noah were just in sync. There was just a cosmic pull between them; one that allowed for Quinn to leave a classroom and Noah to turn a corner so that they would meet in the middle to walk the hall together. And even though they never plan it, they never seem surprised to see each other. Just content. Maybe relieved. Their eyes relying a conversation that makes her stomach turn. _There you are, here I am. _ And she can't help but watch as the girl she 'stole everything from' takes the one thing she values most in the world. Kurt asks her what it is that bothers her so much, because they've been close for a while, because they've always spent time together, because they did have a baby together, because what she's seeing isn't new. But it is; it's new to her. Because for the past year she's unconsciously been in love with Noah while her head was up Finn's ass and what he had with Quinn went unnoticed by her. It didn't bother her that they came to school together. She wasn't upset that Quinn would babysit Sophia with him. She was mature even to accept their bond. It was the way Quinn could enter a room and he would look up already knowing it was her, they way their eyes met in a crowded cafeteria never having to search simply knowing where to find each other. It was the way she could see him getting ready to snap and in a second he would be calm, and Quinn's hand had come to rest on his arm or her head on his shoulder. It was the way that she would catch him looking at her, like Rachel set his soul on fire and she would hope and then he would look at Quinn like she was gravity and she would lose all faith again. It's the intimacy of them that killed her.

Santana didn't need to look up to know what was going on. Rachel was watching Puck and Puck wasn't even aware Rachel was in the same room. She can't say she blames him for blocking her out but for Rachel she felt bad. But what Rachel didn't get was that he did it because of her, because he was hurt and he was lost and Quinn really was gravity to him. Quinn was Puck's Britney. She'd been there since the beginning. They all had. The 'popular' kids had been a unit since preschool and Puck and Quinn had been two peas in a pod all their lives. Quinn trying to be perfect, Puck accepting that he wasn't. Quinn failing, Puck saving her. Puck failing, Quinn accepting him. It's a dance they had perfected before middle school. It's the reason they'd gotten pregnant in the first place. Quinn hurts, Puck hurts, Quinn wants Puck gives, Puck gives, Quinn takes, Puck angry, Quinn calm, Puck lost and Quinn finds. It's just how they worked. Probably how they would always work. It's intimate but it wasn't romantic. Not that it made much of a difference. To Rachel, Quinn had Puck's undivided attention and that made her the enemy. But Santana knows that Quinn is willing to share. She isn't the person everyone likes to think she is. Santana gets plenty of Puck time, sometimes with Quinn but usually without. Just like people see a lot of Britney. They aren't greedy, they have no reason to be. Their relationship was untouchable. _"She's his Kurt. Now stop burning holes in the poor girl's head"_

Kurt perks up at the sound of his name, looks from Santana staring at Rachel to Rachel staring at Quinn. Santana looks exasperated, while Rachel… well Rachel looks like she trying to dissect a frog in pig's clothing. Looking over he knows Santana's right. Puck hasn't spoken to Rachel in months now, and while that may not be enough time to fall out of love it was definitely long enough to move on. Aside from the occasional party sex with random sophomores Puck is still single. And according to local gossip Quinn is still unofficially dating Robbie on the basketball team. Besides, even though he'll probably never say it out loud Rachel needs to get over herself. Puck went above and beyond for her and while she's staring at him like he's her long lost soul mate, Finn is holding her hand. For some reason, he seriously deranged step-brother won't take no for an answer and according to Rachel as long as he can accept that the relationship is over as of June 29th she can't be bothered to break up with him every day for the next two months. He thinks it's pathetic and he's sure it's ripping her apart, but it's not his place. They don't even seem like a couple anymore. She spends all her time staring at Puck and he spends all his time trying to convince her that they should stay together and they friends spend a good deal of their time trying to drill into his head that she doesn't want him and no one is getting anywhere. The only person not consumed by all this bullshit is the one person who could really put an end to it. By some grace of God Puck seems to have shut off all senses when it comes to Rachel. He doesn't see her when she walks past him, didn't hear her in the early days when she tried to talk to him, there's no indication he can feel her when they dance together. Artie made the mistake of trying to convince him to talk to Rachel and Sam is trying to win back Mercedes so right now his life is school, Sophia, Quinn, Mike and Santana in that order. He feels bad for Rachel he really does but she did this to herself.

Quinn feels like her hair is about the start smoking. She can feel how intensely Rachel is staring at her and as much as it used to annoy her now it makes her feel awful. She may not act like it but she doesn't want things to be the way they are. She would love for Noah to stop being stubborn and for Rachel to stop being a people pleaser and for Finn to stop being a dunce cap but she's no miracle worker. She brings up Rachel in moments when he's calm and pliant, in small doses and then she backs off. Every day she reminds him that he can't shut out the world. That school, his daughter and three friends will never be enough to satisfy him. That it isn't healthy to cut off such an obviously important person in his world. And every day he says it for the best, and every day she shuts up because the conviction in his eyes is staggering. So she drops it and tries again the next day and the next and the next. Sometimes though on the rare occasion her skin isn't crawling she follows his gaze as he watches her for a change. She watches him as his face soften in a way only she would notice as if the sight of her alone changes the world or him. She holds his hand while it twitches him hers like he just **needs** to touch her like every nerve ending is screaming for Rachel. It breaks her heart sometimes, and sometimes it gives her hope. One day, when they can finally get their shit together, they are going to be magnificent.

**AN: I doubt anyone reading this likes Finn, even so this would be the chapter where you say your goodbyes. Next Stop - Graduation!**


	9. Progress, That's All I'm Asking For

**AN: I feel like I haven't updated in years, sorry if it feels like that for you too. Between this, another fic, and the stupid stupid men in my life haven't really had the time. Anyways, Its almost done so everyone that's been asking for fluff the next three chapters are for you.**

She's breaking his heart. It's a fact that should cause her pause but it doesn't. She can't let it. For the last two months she had given Finn time to come to terms with the end of their relationship. Every conversation they had held an air of finality that he just refused to accept. There were nights where she felt so exhausted, so emotionally drained that she couldn't do anything but lie in bed. Somehow, those nights were easiest. When she could just be, no pretending, no brave face, just her; tired and unsure. Every other night was torture. She went out with Santana dancing away a frustration that never really left her psyche. She went to the spa with Kurt gossiping as though he didn't go home to the brother who happened to be her unwanted boyfriend. Her friends were all a reminder of the life she didn't want. While everyone else was a remind of what she didn't have. Quinn with her sympathetic smiles, Tina with her all seeing eyes. The boys and their obvious disappointment. It was all too much, and there was no reprieve until she was alone. She had lived for the nights where she could feel the way she felt without all the pretence and judgement.

Rachel waited as long as she could, gave Finn as much time as she could. The diplomas had been given, the songs had been sung, speeches made; it was time. She could do without the audience but that was just one more thing currently out of her control. His eyes still held a spark of hope and she had no idea why. She never gave him anything to hold on to, how could she have, when she didn't have anything to hold onto herself. And yet as she approaches him he smiles where she frowns, reaches for her where she steps back and none of it makes any sense. _Its graduation. _That was all she could say, all she needed to say. His heart is breaking. She can see it. It should hurt her, damage her in some way but she has nothing left for him. Her sanity is on the line here, and she can't be concerned with anyone else but herself. Was that callous? Did it matter. He says all the things she knew he would and she responded exactly the way he knew she would. They do the dance, they stick to the script and in the end they've wasted just the right amount of time. And that's all they were. What had started out as the milestone of a first love had turn into this caricature that served no purpose in the grand scheme of their lives. Finchell had served its purpose and she was ready for the real thing, the thing she knew she could have with Noah.

When it's over, really over, nothing changes. He exits stage left with his family and the scene continues as if he'd never made an appearance. And that's how she knows she did the right thing. She had no urge to reach for him. No nostalgic desire to watch him go. Rachel simply turns to her friends, her audience and continues to live. They talk about the after party, and the summer. Some talk about moving, some talk about staying and Rachel waits to feel different. Even as they thin out, leaving to spend time with family before getting readying for the nights debauchery, nothing changes. She doesn't feel any different when she sits with her dads, or when Shelby comes by with Sophia. She doesn't feel any different when she gets in the car with Santana and they drive over to Britney's. She doesn't feel any different until she sees him. Across the room their eyes meet, and for the first time in a long time neither looks away. She raises her glass to say hi and he repeats the gesture before returning to his conversation. It's the most communication she's had with him in months and it affects her more than the epicness that should-have-been with her break-up. Noah is what makes her feel good for the first time in too long.

He knew she would be there, there was no way she wouldn't be. And he knew she was single, as did the rest of the Lima, Ohio population. That mattered to him for reasons he wasn't really ready to explore. It had been hard at first to keep his distance, to ignore the way he felt about her and the things he wanted from her. When he'd gotten a scholarship to Columbia he was sure that God hated him. And then he'd been kind of happy they would be in the same city. He never planned on speaking to her but the thought of sharing the city with her had been comforting. It wasn't until he saw her enter the room that he was sure God didn't hate him, no it was definitely the opposite. She looked good. Not upset or heart broken in any way. She looked happy. And unless his eyes were playing tricks on him; she looked hopeful.

The corners of his eyes hurt so much he could only imagine the stupidly blissful look on his face at the moment. He doesn't know why he didn't look away. He doesn't know why he raised his glass. He knows that the longer he looked the happier she seemed. He knows that the second he lifted his arm her eyes sparked. And he thinks he knows that maybe a little bit of that hope in her eyes had something to do with him. But she just broke up with her boyfriend not six hours ago and he isn't that guy anymore. He doesn't want to be a rebound, or a fall back. He doesn't want to be the guy she goes to because he's the guy that's always there. He wants something real, something substantial and genuine. And even though he wants that with Rachel, he knows she isn't there yet. He keeps an eye on her the entire night. Now that she's on his radar again he can't seem to help it. He's aware of her every move, every laugh and flicker of gold in her otherwise perfectly mahogany eyes. By the end of the night, he doesn't know if it's the optimist or the sadist in him but he thinks that even though she may not be ready for him right now, she definitely could be one day. Soon.

She's missed the feeling of his eyes on her and she'll never understand the confidence his gaze brings. She feels… powerful, almost; knowing that she can capture his attention. That out of all the women in the room, she's the one he chooses to look at, to admire. And she meets his gaze now. Not shyly, behind her boyfriends back. No she meets it head on with no reservations. She wants him to look, wants to look at him and she wants him to know it. There was a freedom with being single, it wasn't one she planned on enjoying for long but still a feeling she enjoyed. He was being cautious, she knew that. She also knew why. But she was in a position now to take her time with him so she would. Because Rachel didn't need to be worried about anyone's heart but her own anymore. And her heart was his.


	10. Consider This A Preview

After about a week Rachel's milked her new single status for all it's worth and is ready to move on to something better. Something better and lean, with light caramel skin courtesy of the hot summer Sun. Something better with eyes too beautiful to ignore and a smile that steals hearts. Luckily she knew exactly where to find that something. She dedicates the day to him, whether he knows it or not. She sleeps in just to make sure she looks rested, skips her workout and devotes the time to finding the perfect outfit. It's all a little ridiculous she knows, but she's been waiting for this forever. All any girl wanted was a guy who understood her, who captivated and adored her. She'd found that in Noah, was finally willing to acknowledge it, and that alone warranted a day of primping.

He doesn't know if he's more surprised to find her at his door or the fact that it took her so long to get there. Noah had been counting the days since the party and even if Rachel took the long way to his house, she should have been there days ago. He'd never admit it but he'd started to think that maybe he'd read the signs wrong. Maybe she hadn't given them the green light. Thankfully Santana had set him straight before he could drive anyone crazy with his paranoia. It's sad really, that with all of his experience and prowess, he's can't do anything but stare at her. Stare at her, and grin like a damn fool. He was hopeless for her, with her soft eyes, and flawless skin. She was on display for him in a pair of linen shorts and an off the shoulder blouse that exposed her taut dancers stomach. His girl had come here on a mission.

If it weren't for the expression on his face she might have been worried. He just stood in the doorway, looking like sex personified staring at her like he hadn't seen a woman in years. The giggle that escapes is uncontrollable, it did wonders for her ego that she could reduce him to this. When he reaches for her, her breath catches. Then it's his turn to laugh. He tugs on her curls and she knows he knows. She spent hours on her hair, curling it to perfection for him. Because he loved to curl his fingers around the ends only to pull it free, because she knows for a fact that he likes to be the reason they lose their perfection. The sigh that escapes changes the entire mood, gone is the humor and the feeling that replaces it nearly has her climaxing from the anticipation alone.

He knows she feels it. He can tell by the way her cheeks blush and her breaths shorten. She knows exactly what's going to happen the minute she walks through the door. But this isn't about sex. It never has been when it came to her. It's about emotion, and possession and the best feeling he's ever known. She needs to know that, he needs her to say it. That this wasn't a one time deal, wasn't a test drive wasn't an experiment,. This wasn't about seeing if they could work. This was a commitment, a promise to make sure they would always work. He wasn't naïve, he knew things changed. Things could go bad, fuck he could pretty much guarantee things would go bad. He needed her to be willing to fight first though. She needed to be willing to fight for them.

She can see the doubts swirling in those all too beautiful eyes. Never had she thought that between the two of them, he would be the one that needed reassurance. It does funny things to her heart to know that he cares for her so much that he worries about losing her. It's ridiculous though, she wasn't going anywhere. She could sooner stop breathing than deny the passion between them, the understanding, the love. She could tell him that. She could sit him down and detail all the expectations she has for their relationship. She could make such a big deal out of this, but she'd rather surprise him. She pushes him inside, closing the door with her foot. To his questioning gaze she simply smiles, brushing past him to make her way up the stairs. When he calls her name, she doesn't stop. Just looks over her shoulder and calls down to him, "we should probably get started, my dads are expecting us for dinner".

If he wasn't in love with her before, God help him now. He stands there for a moment, maybe two. He wasn't really the kind of guy you brought home to your parents, and Rachel said it like it was nothing. Like having dinner with her fathers was a staple in their relationship. And then he realizes it probably would be. That's what she was telling him. In their relationship they would have plenty of sexy time but they were more than that. They were in the type of relationship he'd never had, always wanted and would never let go of. He sprints after her more eager to get this relationship started than he was for the new left4dead release.

She doesn't know what she was expecting. Maybe if her brain would turn back on, she could think about it but until then. It's like auto pilot. She showers, throwing her ruined curls into a ponytail and redresses. She forgoes her blouse for one of his band tees and follows him out to the car. He's got this satisfied grin on his face and it has nothing to do with the pleasure she gave him. She'd try to cut his ego down a notch but she really can't. He gets to feel as pleased with himself as he wants to because she really was that sated. She was no blushing virgin but the things he'd made her feel, the attention he'd paid to her pleasure… it was no wonder she'd blacked out. Not that he noticed, oh no, because she'd kept responding, kept battling for dominance, kept rocking his world. She just couldn't remember any of it. Oh she felt it, loved it, craved it. But if you asked her what happened after orgasm number three well you were shit out of luck buddy.

He can't help but laugh at the lost expression on her face. It was adorable really, and the best compliment he'd ever received. When she'd asked him how she'd ended up on top he thought she was joking. But her eyes gave her away, she really had no clue. She'd lost the last half-hour of their sexapalooza. Sue him, he was proud. He knows she spends the car ride trying to piece together lost time. He'd done that. Fuck yeah. He laughs even harder when she demands he wipe some of the satisfaction off his face before they enter her house. If day one was anything to go by, this relationship with the best decision he'd ever made.

Their first summer is where they lay claim to each other. Or more correctly where she reclaims _them_. It's where Rachel realizes that being in a relationship doesn't really change anything about them. Minus all the physical contact, they still do the all same things. He still plays guitar for her youtube videos, and she still takes his sister out for girl time. She still watches chick flics with his mom and he still helps her dad fix things around the house. The boys still chirp him over L4D, and the girls still gossip over mani/pedis. They still fight, about everything and nothing. They work just as well as they always have and it breaks her heart a little that it took her so long. That she wasted so much time. Because they're perfect. He fits her in a way Jesse and Finn had never come close to. She doesn't lose herself in him, as much as she is a part of puckleberry, she's still Rachel. Still her own person who did her own things, and he didn't fault her for it. He didn't demand all of her attention or dedication. She did her thing and he did his and they met in the middle to support each other. He was a refreshing change.

Their first summer is where he found himself through her. It sounds weird but it's the truth. It's as if the entire month is _Rachel Berry Presents: The Real Noah Puckerman. _He still drinks with the boys, still hits on every female he sees, still cleans pools and cares for his daughter but it's like he's doing it all for the first time. He's not drinking because his life sucks and that's the way his father taught him to deal with his problems. He's not a flirt because he needs to spend a night proving that he's at least good at something. He doesn't work a menial job because that's all he'll ever a mount too anyways. And more importantly he doesn't help Shelby because he needs to do everything in his power to prove that he isn't a dead beat. She says things, little things. Like how the boys always have more fun when they're care free. Or how his ego is just a reflection of how unintentionally charming he is. How it's admirable that he's willing do what it takes to provide for himself and his family. She tells him, at night when their watching over Sophia who is seconds away from sleep that he deserves to be a father a thousand times over. She was more than he'd ever thought to hope for.

**FIN**


	11. AUTHOR'S NOTE:My Sincerest Apologies

**I know I promised two more chapters but I literally (physically and mentally) can not do it. I've tried to write them but there's nothing. I love this story but all inspiration is gone, I feel like I've taken the characters as far as they can go and I'm not willing to write jsut for the sake of it. So this is the end. To anyone who was waiting for the remaining chapters feel free to attack me through PM I really am truly sorry, like you have no idea.**


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